


My Life is a Romantic Comedy and I'm the Third Name in the Credits

by kokarona



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Pyralsprite is the best moirail, overdramatic teenagers, scalemate abuse, there are no sunsets in space, troll oatmeal is superior to human cereal, unnecessary temper tantrums
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-24
Updated: 2013-03-24
Packaged: 2017-12-06 07:02:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,965
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/732775
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kokarona/pseuds/kokarona
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which three teenagers make a mockery of the time-honored tradition of the love triangle and Dave Strider tries too hard to be cool: contains one beatboxing Mayor, two awkward breakfasts, three snarky broads, four plates of alchemized pancakes, five Cantown traffic violations, and six incredibly cliche B-movies from Terezi's childhood.</p>
            </blockquote>





	My Life is a Romantic Comedy and I'm the Third Name in the Credits

            

You’ve watched enough rom coms with John to know what kind of story you’re in. It’s a classic love triangle – a textbook case of romantic cliché. Karkat’s the socially awkward hero who, through a series of slip ups and misunderstandings, has been unable to win the heart of his childhood friend. Terezi, of course, is said childhood friend who carefully straddles the line between quirky and clinically insane. And you are the douchebag in sunglasses who seems like he’s going to get the girl, only to lose her to the hero.

It will be entirely your fault of course. You and Karkat will get in a fight, and you’ll say some choice words that make a martyr out of him. Or you’ll make some Alternian faux pas like scheduling your date too close to sunrise. Most likely she’ll just decide you’re not that cool anymore and leave. Then she and Karkat will skip off together into a shitty green screen sunset while the movie credits roll over your scowling face.

Right now, though, Terezi is still here. She’s sitting across from you in the meteor’s pathetic excuse for a kitchen, shoveling in some troll version of Lucky Charms like a starving barkbeast. Barkbeast. God, you’re already starting to use her lingo and you haven’t even asked her out. She catches you staring (you still don’t understand how she does that) and holds up a spoonful of cereal. “You want some?”

“No, I’m pretty comfortable with my glucose levels under the 500 mark, thanks.”

“Suit yourself.” She cackles and spoons more cereal in her mouth. You just kind of sit there with your shitty alchemized pancakes and watch her eat. Not because you’re a creep or anything, but because you still can’t figure out how she eats cereal with a mouth full of shark teeth.

The next table over, Karkat slaps his smutty novel shut with a melodramatic sigh. “Terezi, can you chew any louder? I still have some auracular sponge cells left in my ear.”

“If that’s what our _glorious_ leader wants.” She spoons some more cereal in her mouth. Then she turns to you, snapping her jaw up and down like an automated nutcracker. You lose your cool for a second and snort. Hopefully she’s chewing too loudly to have heard you.

“Oh for the ever-loving fuck. Terezi, can’t you tell sarcasm when you see it?”

She rolls her eyes.  “Not really, on account of two reasons. One, you don’t see sarcasm, you hear it. Two, I’m blind.”

Karkat leans back in his chair. “You know what I mean.”

“No, I don’t.”

 “Yes. you do. Look, I’m trying to read some important research material here..."

 “And I’m trying to eat. I didn’t realize those were mutually exclusive activities.”

They bicker back and forth while you eat your pancakes. If these two were human, you’d have already given Karkat your patented Strider death-glare and told him to let Terezi eat her cereal in peace. But apparently in troll culture, that’s considered flirting, and you will be damned if you end up in a relationship with Karkat. Besides, you really don’t want to take up that quadrant with Terezi.

You don’t really understand quadrants all that much. You can understand matesprit and moirail, because those are just girlfriend and best friend, respectively. But you have trouble with the spades one. What was it called? Kismet? Kissmise? Whatever. The way Terezi explained it, it sounds like every kind of dysfunctional relationship rolled into one giant clusterfuck, except somehow okay because they’re aliens and it’s mutual.

Terezi thinks all these fights are Karkat’s attempt to become her hate-lover. You once asked her if she wanted to become his kisme-thingy too. She dodged the question for a bit, then admitted that he was too “adorabloodthirsty” to hate. But though she’s not black for him, she lets him harass her nearly every day, so you’re not sure if she was being coy or if she hopes his black attentions will turn into something else.

You really hope he’s black for her. And by hope, you mean “wish really hard but know it’s not true”. You might not be an expert on aliens, but you know googly eyes when you see them, and Karkat is like a goddamn chibi character whenever he looks at Terezi. The way he glares at you also gave you a clue. He’s in love with her. Maybe even more than you are. 

He only starts these stupid fights to get attention. He’s too self-conscious to start an actual fucking conversation with her, so he jabs her with half-hearted insults and expects her to somehow read his real intentions underneath. You’d feel sorry for him if he weren’t such an asshole to her.

“Leave Dave out of this!”

Hello, what? When did you become a part of this conversation? And when did those two stand up?

Karkat makes a vague gesture in your direction. “How can I, when Sunglasses over there is attached to that convex angle you call a hip? He’s practically a tumor at this point.” He shrugs. “Look, all I’m saying is, if you’re trying to do mind games-“

“I’m not _trying_ to do anything except eat my cereal!”

“Terezi, we both know that’s a heaping sack of hoofbeast droppings. You’re never _not_ plotting something. I mean, if you’re trying to send me caliginous signals, then I’m flattered, but-“

Terezi lets out an ear-piercing screech. It’s so shrill that you have to plug your fingers in your ears like a cartoon character. It even makes Karkat shut up. “Karkat, you just – I can’t – Agh! I GIVE UP!” Terezi throws her hands in the air and storms out of the kitchen.

You and Karkat watch her go. He looks sorry for about five nanoseconds, then covers it up with a glare in your direction.  “What’s her problem?”

You crack out a smile and say “You.” Then you hightail it out of there before he can start a fight and make you do something stupid.

Out of all the people in the universe, why did that douchebag have to be your rival? If he was simply awkward like John, you could step aside easily and let them work things out. Hell, you might even have helped him practice some smoother lines. But he has no “hidden heart of gold” like in the movies. His passive aggressive attitude is just the icing on his asshole cake. Even you’d make a better match for Terezi, and you’re part of the alien species that destroyed her universe.

You know what? Fuck it. You like Terezi, and if troll body language is anything at all like human body language, it’s pretty obvious that she likes you too. So fuck romantic comedies. Fuck love triangles, fuck childhood friendships, and fuck interspecies differences. You’re going to ask her out. It doesn’t matter that every single love story ever says you’re destined to lose. You’ll be damned if you let Karkat get her without a fight.

 

* * *

 

 

You’re going to ask Terezi out. Definitely. Absolutely. But when you go to your room and decaptchalogue your ideas notebook, you realize that you have absolutely no idea how. It’d be one thing if she were human – you could just alchemize some chocolates and be done with it. But do trolls even have chocolate on their planet? What if trolls are allergic to chocolate, and as soon as Terezi took a whiff, she passed out in a coma? Okay, it’s highly unlikely that a species with venomous bears would die from candy, but still. It’d be nice if you had some sort of reference.

Okay, technically you do have references. Karkat alone is a living encyclopedia of troll romance, but asking him would be like asking a gun how to shoot yourself in the foot. Kanaya isn’t much better- she’d probably give good advice, but she’d also tell Rose about your crush, and there’s no way you want Rose picking your mind about this. You could ask Gamzee. He seemed pretty cool, in an ironic murder-clown sort of way. But you haven’t seen him since this meteor took off, so he’s off the list too.

In the end, you decide to go to the one source of knowledge that will not yell, tease, or possibly try to murder you: movies. You go to the common room where everyone keeps their movies on a gigantic bookshelf. Thankfully no one is in the room, so you grab a handful of Karkat’s romcom dvds and look for the one with the least convoluted plot.

You grab a case with two trolls on the front- one of them is in a trenchcoat, examining the other’s horns in a very seductive pose. You think it’s a romcom, but with those explosions in the background, it could be anything. Suddenly you hear footsteps. Shit.

Terezi stands in the doorway, sniffing the air. Her hair is a bit messier, and there’s some stuffing stuck to her shoe. It looks like she took her anger out on her scalemates. Again. “Coolkid? Is that you?”

“The one and only.”

“Oh good. I was afraid you were Karkat.”

“Ditto.”

It occurs to you that if you were really good boyfriend material, rather than perusing these shitty romcoms, you would have gone to comfort Terezi after her fight. Shit. Dave Strider, +10 douchebag points.

Oh well. Better now then never. “So, about breakfast…”

“Sorry about that. I shouldn’t have lost my temper.”

“Hey, you don’t have to apologize for anything. Karkat’s the one who has a federal issue with existence.”

She decaptchalogues her cane and makes her way towards you, poking random piles of Kanaya’s clothes and Rose’s books out of the way. “Yeah, can we not talk about him? I just had a long feelings jam with Pyralsprite, and I pretty much exhausted the topic of Mr. Cherry Blood.”

“No problem.”

She grins, then peers over your shoulder. Her face is uncomfortably close to yours. “So what’re you up to?”

Shit. You just remembered what you were holding. “Oh, you know…” Desperately rifling through your ex-boyfriend’s shit for advice on how to ask you out. “Just looking around for something to do.”

She sets her chin on your shoulder and takes a long sniff. Her eyes widen. “Oh my god. Is that _Legislacerator Adventures:_ _Wherein A Legislacerator Discovers Her Moirail Is Planning To Assassinate the Condesce And Is Forced to Team Up With Her Kismesis To Save The Empire, Containing Four Explicit Feelings Jams, One Sentient Spaceship and Three Major Explosions_?”

You look down at the cover. Sure enough, there are three explosions. “Maybe?”

“That was my favorite movie as a grub! Can I watch it with you? Pleeease?”

You freeze. Is she – is she asking you out? Do trolls do movie dates? And if they do, is this a testing-the-waters movie date or a real, live, might end in sloppy-make out sessions? Damn it, why didn’t you brush your teeth this morning?

Terezi shrinks back and shoves her glasses up her nose. “Or, you know, if you’re more in a solo-watching mood, I understand.”

“No!” The two of you start. Damn, you haven’t shouted that loud in a long time. “I mean yes. Wait, I mean, no, I’m not in a solo watching mood, and yes, you can watch it with me.” God damn it. Way to spaz out there, genius.

She laughs. “Dave, this is going to be amazing. You don’t even know. Come on, I know just where to watch it.” She grabs your hand – wow, her palms are cold – and drags you to her room.

 

* * *

 

 

“Okay, so now the legislacerator is opening the closet…Oh wow, that’s a lot of cotton balls. She’s dumping them on the floor…”

Terezi cackles. “Oh, I remember this part.” She squeezes Pyralsprite to her chest and sinks into her beanbag. Apparently trolls don’t have couches, so the two of you captchaloged some beanbags and set them next to each other on the floor. Since Terezi can’t see, you’re narrating what happens on the screen, while she’s explaining to you what the hell it all means.

“Now the troll with gills is helping her roll them into a giant ball, really seductively, like they’re making a sexy snowman partner for their threesome.”

She cackles again. “Dave, that’s not a snowman, that’s a pile! I explained this to you already!”

“Oh right. The moirail thing. Wait, doesn’t what’s-her-name already have one of those?”

“Yes! That’s why this is so dramatic!”

The two of you watch the trolls on screen root around in the cotton balls. Even though they both have their clothes on, it feels vaguely pornographic. You try not to think too much about it.

Wow, this feelings jam is going on forever. You decide that this is the perfect opportunity to implement the yawn and slip: a time-honored tactic passed down in the Strider family for generations, taught to you by Bro when you were only nine years old. First you yawn, loud enough for her to hear you but not so loud that you sound bored. Then you raise your arms like you’re stretching, circling them until they settle on the back of the couch. Beanbag, whatever. Act like you’re just relaxing, like you don’t even realize your hand is right behind her shoulder. Then slowly lower your hand, closer, closer, until it touches her shoulder…

“I don’t know, Rozzal. Stryer is cool and all, but I just don’t think he’s matesprit material…”

You put your hands back in your lap. The screen shows a close-up of the troll with gills. “Why not? Is it…Karank?”

The legislacerator troll looks guilty. “Yes. I know Karank is a _redblood_ , but I can’t help myself. He’s just so adorable…”

A legislacerator rejects a guy named Stryer for a cranky red-blooded troll named Karank. Okay, seriously? Is Terezi trying to give you a hint or something? You spend the next twenty minutes trying to figure out if this is a coincidence or if she’s showing this to you as an alternative to rejecting you out loud. Then you remember that you were the one who picked out the movie. You allow yourself to relax.

Still, maybe it would be better to do a little more research before you popped the girlfriend question.

You watch the rest of the movie, then ask if there’s a sequel. Of course there is – the credits said “to be continued”, after all. Still, you act suitably surprised when she says it’s a series, then ask her if she wants to watch the second one tomorrow. The two of you spend the next five days going through tales and trials of Legislacerator Terrak. You manage to get some good information out of it. Chocolates are good. Jewelry is bad. Flowers are okay, but only if you get the right kind, because most Alternian plants are poisonous.

Everything goes pretty well until the two of you need the sixth DVD. You and Terezi are sifting through the shelves when, of course, Karkat comes through the door. The three of you stare quietly at each other, until Karkat coughs and says, “Is that my _Legislacerator Adventures pt 6_ DVD?”

Terezi clutches the case to her chest like it’s a loaf of bread and you’re the last survivors of a famine. You glare at Karkat. “If you didn’t want us watching it, you shouldn’t have put it up on the shelf.”

He grits his teeth. “I don’t care. Whatever trash you wrigglers watch in your spare time has absolutely nothing to do with me.”

“Then what do you want?” says Terezi.

Karkat flinches. “I just…I wanted…um…” He ducks his head and mutters into his turtleneck, “Sorry.”

Terezi blinks. “What?”

“I wanted to apologize. The other day, with the cereal…my past self might have overreacted. Maybe.”

“No shit,” you mutter.

Karkat glares at you and continues. “I know he’s been a douchebag lately. Living on this meteor put him on edge, what with the missing corpses and the shitty teleports and that goddamn clown crawling around the vents like a lost cat-“

Terezi flashes a split-second smirk.

“Anyway, my past self may have…taken things out on you. I mean, not to say you aren’t goddamn infuriating sometimes, but you didn’t…I’m not…”

She relaxes. “You’re normally not like this. I know.”

“Yeah…” There’s a long, awkward silence, with Karkat shuffling his feet and Terezi staring at the ground. Then Karkat perks up. “Oh yeah. Almost forgot.” He decaptchalogues a bright red flower, then thrusts it in Terezi’s face at arm’s length. He turns his head away, but anybody could see the red on his cheeks from a mile away.

Terezi stares at the flower. She takes a few small, quick sniffs, then leans back. “Karkat, is this-”

“Happy Wriggling Day.” He glances at Terezi, then goes back to glaring at the ground. “It’s to freshen up your room. It smells like cholerbear droppings down there.”

You step forward. “Hey.”

Terezi puts a hand on your shoulder. “It’s all right Dave. It’s true – the whole third level smells like shit. I think Gamzee got into the embalming oil from the lab and dragged it through the vents.”

Karkat and Terezi laugh. You don’t. Karkat shrugs. “Yeah, I should try to talk to him about hygiene next time we have a feelings jam.”

“You really should.” Terezi grabs the flower. She puts her face in the flower and takes a long sniff. “Heheh. Smells like cherries.” She grins at Karkat. “Thanks.”

Karkat shrugs. “Yeah, so, uh…enjoy your movie time or whatever. I’m gonna try to find that fucking clown.” He walks towards the door, hands in his pockets. Then he stops and looks at Terezi. “I’ll see you later?”

Terezi pauses for a second, then waves. “Yeah. Sure.”

God damn it. Damn it damn it damn it. He looks so pathetic walking out the door by himself, like a dog with its tail between its legs. Even you pity him a little. Or you would, if you thought he would actually follow through with his apology. Seriously, what kind of jackass apologizes in the third person? And why did he have to make up with Terezi just before you were going to ask her out? Now he’s totally killed the mood.

You turn to Terezi, who’s still sniffing the flower. “Are you really going to let him off with such a shitty apology?”

She shrugs. “I’ve had friends do worse.”

For a brief second of paranoia, you wonder if she means you. Then you remember that her ex-best friend was a serial killer. “Good point.” The two of you head to her room. As you wait for the movie to start, you ask her, “What’s Wriggling Day, anyway?”

“Oh, right. Um…how do I explain this? I told you how trolls have to undergo trials after their hatched, right? Well, on Alternia, a troll records the day she completed those trials. Then, every sweep the day comes around, she celebrates it with her friends, who give her presents and stuff.”

“Wait. You mean a birthday? Today’s your birthday?”

“Maybe. Is that what humans call it when you come out into the world? A birthday?” The television starts playing tinny music as the opening credits roll. Terezi’s head snaps to the screen. “Oh, hold that thought. The credits are starting. Keep an eye on the salestroll. He’ll be important later.”

Damn it. No, damn you. Seriously, you’re the Knight of _Time._ How did you not know about a date this important? This is why you and Karkat are rivals. Because as annoying and passive-aggressive as he can get, when you let down your guard, you can out-douchebag him without even trying.

Terezi didn’t even tease you about forgetting. It’s like she didn’t even expect you to get her anything, which hurts a lot more than her being angry. You have to find some way to make it up to her. You just have to.

 

* * *

 

 

“All right Mayor, listen up, ‘cause you’re the only person on this meteor I can trust to help me out with this.”

You and the Mayor are crouched on the main street of Can Town, hidden from prying eyes by the Empire State Building on your left and the Embassy for her Royal Condescension on your right. You swat some sardine cars out of the street and sit down. The Mayor looks at you reproachfully and parks the cars in their proper spots.

“What is the matter?”

“So it turns out Terezi’s birthday was yesterday, and like a total chump, I forgot all about it.”

The Mayor tilts his head to the side like a dog. “ **Birth day**?”

“It’s a day where you give people gifts. Anyway, as long as we’re stuck on this meteor, I can’t get her anything that nice. I can’t do alchemy for shit either, so I’m going to have to go with old-fashioned irony. That’s where you come in.” You get out your idea notebook and flip to the last page. “I’m going to lay down some raps, and you tell me if they’re any good or not, all right?” 

The Mayor nods.

“All right, lay me down some beats, just like I taught you.”

 “ **Boomp p-TCH Boomp Boomp p-TCH**.”

“Yo yo Terezi

Now you might think that I’m crazy

But I just wanted to say

Hope you had a Wriggling Day –

Wait. Stop.”

Damn it, that doesn’t make sense. Of course she had a Wriggling Day. How do you fit happy in there…

The Mayor stops beat-boxing. He claps his hands together and gives you two thumbs up. “ **Good job!** ”

“What? No. Dude, that sucked. Look, if you want to help me out, you have to be honest with me, okay? Don’t worry, my heart’s not going to break from one bad review.”

The Mayor nods, his face creased with concentration.

You make some revisions to the notebook. “Okay, let’s try this again.”

The Mayor bops his head and starts beat-boxing.

 “ **Boomp p-TCH Boomp Boomp p-TCH.** ”

“Hey there Terezi

it’s been pretty fun to live in

this meteor with you

but I forgot to be givin’

you a present so I -

Damn it. Stop the beat.”

The Mayor gives you two thumbs up and grins. “ **Good job!** ”

You give the Mayor a patented Strider stare. He keeps smiling. “Okay dude, I’m seriously starting to doubt your musical tastes here.”

Someone gives a dramatic cough behind you. “Well well well, what do we have here? Some unauthorized construction on Can Town? You two know you need legislacerator supervision to build in this zone.”

You turn around to find Terezi towering over you. You hide the notebook under your hand. “Oh no, officer. We’re just an ordinary obstruction of the daily peace. No building going on here.”

“Ah. Well perhaps I should take you in and show you an instructional video on proper traffic regulation, hmm?” She holds up a DVD of _Traffic Legislacerator: Wherein a Legislacerator and a Psychic Pirate Team Up to Take Down a Corrupt Politician in a Cross-Country Hovercar Chase_ , yada yada yada. Judging from the flaming ambulance in the background, it looks like comedy gold, but…

“Sorry, Terezi. Looks good, but the Mayor and I have a bit of a project going here.”

“Oh really? Let me help.” She spears the corner of your notebook with her cane and pulls it towards her.

You hold the notebook down with your foot. “Sorry officer, no can do. This is private business.”

She frowns, then looks past you. “Mr. Mayor, care to show a legislacerator what you two are doing?”

Oh damn it. You might have a champion poker face, but the Mayor doesn’t even know what poker is. He stares at Terezi quietly, and you can almost hear the gears in his head processing her question. Then he picks up a nearby can of tuna and hands it to her.

She lifts the can to her nose and sniffs. “Is this the legislacerator’s office?”

“ **Yes. It is yours now.** ”

“Oh. Um…thank you.” She sets the office/tuna can back in its place. “I’ll do my very best to protect it. But, um, why…”

The Mayor grins. “ **For the day of birth.** ”

To Terezi’s credit, it only takes her a few seconds to translate ‘day of birth’ to ‘wriggling day’. She turns to you. “Coolkid…”

You put your hands up. “Hey, the tuna can was his idea, not mine.”

“Dave, you don’t need to get me anything.”           

“Of course I do. I’d have to be a raging asshole not to get you something. Is that what you think I am, Terezi? A giant, angry anus in impossibly cool sunglasses?”

She laughs. “Honestly Dave, I have no idea what you are saying sometimes. But a wriggling day is really not that big of a deal.”

“It was important enough for Karkat to get you something.”

“Yeah, but that’s just the kind of thing he does. Most trolls stop celebrating each other’s wriggling days when they’re, you know, wrigglers. “

“Are you sure? Or are you just saying that to make me feel better?”

Terezi rolls her eyes. Then she leans in so that her face is about half a foot from yours. “Dave, what is all this really about?”

You don’t remember what it’s about, because you are suddenly, intimately aware that you are in the real life equivalent of The Kiss Shot. The Kiss Shot being that point in rom coms where two people’s faces are on either side of the screen, then slowly inch towards each other until they start macking in the center. And sure enough, you can feel yourself slowly sitting up, your lips gravitating towards Terezi’s.

“ **?** ” Somewhere behind you, the Mayor chirps, snapping you back to reality. You are grateful, not for the first time, that Terezi is blind, because otherwise you would have to explain what the hell you were just about to do. In a pile of rusted sardine cans. With the Mayor watching. Seriously, what were you thinking?

“Dave?” says Terezi, completely unaware that your face is two inches from her own.

Before she can sniff your location, you lean back and scoot a bit towards the Mayor. “Sorry, I just- um, so how about that movie?”

“Dave, are you okay?”

“Okay? I’m better than okay. I’m a perpetual machine of fantastic, turning the gears of awesome to pump the pistons of – of, hold on, I got this.”

Terezi makes that face where her mouth looks like a question mark. “Look, we can just watch the movie tomorrow. Preferably after you’ve gotten some sleep.”

You sit in a traffic jam of sardine cans, looking up at Terezi. “Okay,” you sigh. “Sounds good.” She waves goodbye and walks out the door. You and the Mayor look at each other. Then he pats your head and lets out a pitying croon.

 

* * *

 

 

The only thing worse than Terezi and Karkat’s constant bickering, you have found, is their nonstop inside jokes after they’ve made up. It seems like every time you talk to Terezi, Karkat comes into the room and butts in to start a conversation of his own. Then all Terezi’s attention swerves his way, and you turn into talking scenery.  

Take right now, for instance. Half an hour ago, you and Terezi were having a nice conversation about the differences between troll and human music over breakfast. Then Karkat walked in and asked Terezi some “do you remember when” questions about their childhood. One thing led to another, and now you are poking at your soggy pancakes while Terezi tells Karkat about the time she and her friend killed a ship full of “corrupt FLARPers.”

“So while Vriska’s taking care of the girl with the dagger lance, I chase after the sea dwellers. They run into the respiteblock-“

“What’s a respiteblock again?”

Terezi stops gesturing. She turns to you like she just remembered you were there. “Oh, ah…”

Karkat glares at you and says, “It’s a bedroom.” He turns to Terezi, “Go on.”

“Right. Okay, so I sneak into the respiteblock, and I see some horns sticking up out of the recuperacoon-“

“You’re shitting me,” says Karkat. “Nobody’s that stupid.”

Terezi grins. “This guy was.” She goes on to describe how she stabbed the troll with her dragon cane, then stirred him around until he became “sopor soup”. Karkat makes little impressed noises, while you stare at the syrup on your plate and try not to throw up.

“Then, just before I’m about to take care of the last criminal, Vriska barges in and says she wants to try out her new battle dice…”

Karkat rolls his eyes, then, miracle of miracles, actually smiles. “Oh God, that crazy bitch.” He and Terezi laugh. Then Terezi sets her hands down on the table. One of them settles next to Karkat’s hand.

You stop listening to the story and just stare at their hands, willing them to move apart with your mind. But of course you aren’t psychic, so those hands stay right where they are, pinky claws an inch from touching. You stare some more. The hands stay put some more. Terezi says something about beheading a troll’s head with a chainsaw, and Karkat laughs. Their pinky claws touch.

Fuck it.

You stand up, rattling the dishes a little with your sudden movement. Terezi stops her story. “Coolkid?”

You mutter “Gotta go,” then hightail it out of the kitchen.

When you get to your room, you fall onto your bed and take off your sunglasses. Then you cover your face with a pillow and mutter a stream of choice cuss words into the fluff. 

You’ve lost. There’s no question: Terezi and Karkat are all but matesprits now. You’d thought that you had a chance against him, but apparently even Karkat can’t fuck up the universal law of love stories: the underdog always gets the girl.  You were close, though. For someone who never had a chance, you were so. damn. close.

You spend a while on your bed angsting into your pillow. After you-don’t-really-know-how-long, someone knocks on your door. “Coolkid? Are you in there?” asks Terezi’s muffled voice through the door. After a short pause, she knocks again. “That was a rhetorical question, just so you know. I can smell you from the other side of the door.”

Shit. You really don’t want to talk to Terezi right now. Should you pretend you’re asleep? Can she smell whether or not you’re awake?

“Are you all right? You’ve been acting strange the last few nights. And you ran off in the middle of breakfast. I thought you might have been late for a meeting with Rose or Kanaya, but after a little interrogation, I learned you’d simply disappeared.”

She looked for you? You throw the pillow off your face. Of course she looked for you. That’s what normal people do when someone runs dramatically out of the room.

“Anyway, after a feelings jam with Pyralsprite, I think I deduced the issue....”

Deduced the issue? Shit, she’s knows. She knows and now it’s going to be completely awkward between you two.

“…and I wanted to apologize. I can talk so easily with you that sometimes I forget you’re not a troll. But for someone who didn’t live on Alternia, the stuff I was talking about at breakfast was probably more than a little disturbing…”

Wait, she thinks this is about her story? Well, okay, the story was pretty creepy, but you made peace with Alternia’s bat-shit culture long ago.

“Anyway, I don’t want you to think I’m some murder-crazy alien. I mean, I am an alien, and I did murder some people, but they were all villains! And I’m not crazy. On Alternia you were _supposed_ to-“

You put on your shades, then open the door. “Terezi, your story was fine. I was just being a spaz. Look, can we forget breakfast ever happened?”

You look down and see Terezi sitting by your doorway. She scrambles up and says, “Do we have to? If I did something, I want to know.” 

“You didn’t do anything.”

“Then tell me what’s wrong!” The two of you stand there quietly for a second. She coughs. “Ahem. That wasn’t a pale solicitation, by the way.”

“Don’t worry. I'm not about to come between you and Pyralsprite. That’s an A-Class moirallegiance you two have there – way beyond my home-wrecking expertise.”

She laughs. “Pyralsprite appreciates your sentiments.” She pauses, and her face does that little flinch that means she’s just thought of something. “Wait, coolkid. Are you pale for me?”

“I’m human. We only have one quadrant, remember?”

“Ah. That’s right.” She adjusts her glasses. The two of you stand there for a little while, trying to figure out a way to dodge the obvious question without breaking your awkwardness quota for the day.

“Dave, do you-“

“Karkat likes you. A lot.”

She blinks a few times. “You mean he’s flushed for me.”

“Yeah. It’s kind of obvious. Well, at least for someone who’s, you know…”

“Not blind?”

“I was going to say for someone on the outside, but yeah, seeing the googly eyes he makes whenever he talks to you probably would have helped.”

She takes a few seconds to process this. A corner of her mouth tilts up a bit, but on Terezi, that could mean anything. “And what does the coolkid think? Does he approve of me becoming matesprits with Mr. Googly Eyes?

You tilt your head towards the ceiling, because looking at Terezi is too uncomfortable right now. You know how to solve this. All you have to do is whip out a snappy one liner like “The coolkid is cool with whoever you mack on” or “Sure, let me get the forms for your sloppy makeout license.” Then you and Terezi can be buds, she and Karkat live happily ever after, and you come out looking like a somewhat decent person.

Except not really. Let’s be honest here – if you couldn’t handle them touching pinky claws, there’s no way you can endure two years of them making out in the halls. Worst case scenario, you’d flip your shit at Karkat and have to spend the rest of the trip exiled in the vents with the psychotic clown. Best case scenario, you’d lock yourself up in your room like a hermit and confuse the hell out of Terezi.

Terezi doesn’t deserve that. She’s dealt with enough passive-aggressive shit on this trip. You don’t deserve that. You’ve dealt with enough shit period. As for Karkat, well…”fuck him.”

“Excuse me?”

Shit. You just said that last part out loud, didn’t you. “That wasn’t a recommendation. That was – damn it.” You look back at Terezi. “Okay, look. If I’m being honest here, like, 100% truth, pass any lie detector test, Freud grab your clipboard cause my id’s got a microphone honest-”

Terezi leans forward. “Yeeees?”

“…No. The coolkid does not approve of you macking on anybody but him.”

Terezi’s mouth drops open ever so slightly.

“Don’t get me wrong, I know my approval means jack shit. It’s you’re life, so you do what you want. I’m not going to get mad at you if you decide to go off with Karkat and get troll married or whatever.  But I’m not going to pretend I don’t care either, because that’s-”

She tackles you. The two of you skid across the concrete, her elbows digging into your chest.  Your head knocks against your dresser, and her head knocks into yours. She bites your lower lip, and you can taste blood in your mouth. You shove her off.

She sits back up, breathing heavily. “What’s wrong? Was my kiss that bad?”

In spite of the ringing in your head and the blood in your mouth, it only takes you a few seconds to process what she said. “That was a kiss?” You can’t decide whether you’re delirious with happiness or fear.

“Um, duh?”

“Wait, like a “I hate you so much that I want to eat your face” kind of kiss, or a “you just said something pretty cool, let’s make out” kind of kiss?”

“The ‘I’ve been flushed for you for a fucking long time and I can’t believe it took us half a sweep to get together’ kind.” She self-consciously wipes your blood from her lips. “You couldn’t tell?

“Humans don’t really bite each other when they’re making out.”

“Ever?” You shake your head. “Then what do they do?”

You think about it for a second. “Use tongue, I guess?”

Terezi goes stock-still for a moment. In a concussion-filled flash of paranoia, you’re afraid you’ve grossed her out. Then she grins.  “And how, may I ask, does the tongue factor into human kissing?”

You sit up and lean towards her. “Here, I’ll give you a taste.”

 

* * *

 

 

“He didn’t.”

Terezi cackles. “He did.”

Rose and Kanaya set down their breakfast and stare at you. Kanaya blushes, while Rose gives you one of her classic Lalonde stares. “Really, Dave? ‘I’ll give you a taste’?”

You finish a mouthful of pancakes. “What? It’s a classic line. You got a problem with the classics, Rose?”

Rose calmly sips her morning tea. “No, but there’s a difference between classic and just plain cheesy.”

“Laugh all you want, but when it comes to alien makeout sessions, the score is still Strider: one, Lalonde: zero.” Wow. Oh wow, she actually blushed at that one. Maybe there’s more to her and Kanaya than you thought.

“And does the nutrition plateau-“ You and Rose look at Kanaya, who bites her lip. “I mean the tongue - just out of curiosity, mind you - does it, um…”

Terezi laughs even harder. “Yes, Kanaya. I would recommend tongue.”

Kanaya’s face somehow luminesces even brighter than it did before. You didn’t even know a shade of white like that existed. The table laughs.

Somewhere behind you, the door opens.  The four of you turn to look at a small, tired-looking Karkat.  After an awkward pause, he coughs and stares up at the floor. “So…Terezi and Strider finally tumbled out of the xeno-closet?”

Terezi flinches. “You heard us?”

“I’m pretty sure the way you four were giggling, all of paradox space could have heard you,” he mutters.

The room gets quiet. Shit. You and Terezi had planned to let Kanaya tell him. Privately. As far away from you two as possible, until he calmed down.  You kind of feel guilty that he had to find out this way, but mostly you’re nervous.  You don’t know what a troll tantrum looks like, but considering the claws on that kid’s hands, you don’t really want to find out. 

Karkat laughs. Or smirks, but audibly, in a kind of ‘tlk’ sound that only trolls can make. “What the fuck did I tell you?” He makes the sound again, then looks at Terezi. “Didn’t I tell you that Strider was flushed for you? Didn’t I say, from the day he set his pink human nub-foot on the meteor, that he was waxing red for your batshit harpy ass?”

Terezi relaxes and laughs. “Yes. Yes you did. Apologies Karkat. It seems my investigative abilities were a bit biased.”

Karkat goes to the cabinets and pours himself some greenish troll-oatmeal. “Biased? You were nook-deep in fucking denial, sinking faster and faster while I kept trying to give you a damn rope. But you just kept saying ‘oh noooo Karkat, you’re jumping to concluuuuusions. You’re analyzing human behavior based on troll moooodels’”. His imitation of Terezi’s voice is so unbelievably shitty that you, Kanaya, and even Rose burst out laughing.

Terezi lets out a ridiculously high-pitched giggle. “Yes Karkat. You were right about everything.”

“Damn right I was.” He grabs the seat next to yours, then stops. “Hey, uh, is it safe for me and my protein chute to sit here? Or are you guys going to go right back to Dave’s creepy human nutrition plateau?”

Rose smiles. “Don’t worry. I promise the rest of the conversation will be tongue-free.”

The rest of breakfast goes infinitely better than you expected, even if you understood jack shit of Karkat’s argument about why troll oatmeal was superior to human cereal. After you’re all finished, the girls go off to Rose’s room to talk about who knows what, and you and Karkat are left alone at the table.

Karkat gets up and starts scraping the green shit from his bowl into the sink. You sit there watching him until the silence becomes too awkward to ignore.  You fake a cough. “So…are you okay? With me and –“

He flashes you the finger. “I already have one moirail, fuckass. Don’t need another one.”

“Right. Sorry.”

You sit there for a minute, then stand up.

“Strider.“ Karkat grabs Rose’s dirty bowl without looking at you. “Just…try not to have too many human/alien makeouts in my presence, all right? My protein chute can only handle so much.”

You go to the sink with your syrupy plate and start washing. “Deal.”

The two of you stand there washing dishes in silence. You can’t help but think that if your life were a movie, this would be the weirdest ending you’d ever seen. A really shittily planned ending too – why aren’t the girls washing their own dishes?

Whatever. Even without the sunset or the amazingly ironic 80’s pop music, you guess things turned out okay. Now all you have to do is pray there isn’t a sequel.

 

* * *

Author's Note: Hey! Thanks for reading! The comments button is just down there. It would be really, reeeeaaallly nice if you left a comment, even if it's just a "cool story bro" or "awful story bro" kind of thing.


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